If I Went To Hogwarts
by Random Antagonist
Summary: A sort of evil Mary Sue fic that I'm too lazy to write.


If I Went To Hogwarts 

Warning: Not For The Faint Of Heart! 

1.I would get into Slytherin, because I'm cynical, smart, and I don't get good grades. That rules out, in order, Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, and Ravenclaw. 

2.My roommates would include a half-demon stoner, a punk rocker-thrasher, and a quiet nerd with suicidal tendencies. 

3.Loud, raucous music would emanate from my room at all times. Even when I wasn't in there. 

4.McGonagall looks a lot like my mom. Weird, huh? She even acts like her. I think they're cousins or something. 

5.I would join S.P.E.W. and hold demonstrations, just to piss everyone else off. 

6.In Potions class, I would get caught passing notes about how amazingly hot Snape is, therefore ensuring a good grade for the rest of the semester. 

7.Quick question to Draco—you know that dude that follows you around all the time? The huge hulking one? Yeah. Well…Does it do tricks? 

8.I would hit on every guy in the school. EVERY guy. And a few of the girls as well, just to freak the conservatives out. 

9.I would steal some of the Quidditch brooms and go for joyrides. 

10.I would figure out a spell to make both Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter turn up completely naked in my bed. I mean, at the same time. 

11.I would go without a bra in Moody's class. And I would wear leopard-skin underwear. 

12.I would have a T-shirt with the Dark Mark inscribed on it, and under that, a caption saying something like "No, I DON'T know who." 

13.I would refer to Voldemort as "Voldie". 

14.I would set up a computer in the library, connect it to the Fat Lady, and program it with the ELIZA program. 

Sample dialogue between Fat Lady and random student: 

Fat Lady: Hello. 

Student: Um…fairy lights. 

Fat Lady: Why do you like fairy lights? 

Student: Well, that's the password. 

Fat Lady: So, that is the password? 

Student: Yeah. Now let me in. 

Fat Lady: You (in)? 

Student: Look, would you just please open the door? 

Fat Lady: Oh, so I just please open the door. 

Student: Yes. 

Fat Lady: Please continue. 

Student: Okay…I would like you to open the door for me. 

Fat Lady: I'm sorry, Neville, I can't do that. 

Student: Why not? 

Fat Lady: Hello, my name is Fat Lady. Professor Dumbledore has taught me a song. Would you like to hear it? 

Student: No! Just OPEN THE DAMN DOOR! 

Fat Lady: (singing) Oh, you can't bugger a hedgehog…

15.If I looked in the Mirror of Erisied, I would not see a friggin' thing. The mirror would be blank. 

16.When confronted with a boggart, it would resolve itself into nothing. 

17.I would crash the Yuletide Dance by conjuring up a bunch of demons. 

18.I would make friends with Hermione Granger and eventually push her to a nervous breakdown. 

19.Concerning the MHPT series, I would set up Scott Riddle with Random, my personal deus ex machina. 

20.I would take great delight in meddling with people's personal lives. 

21.I would set up an underground zine with nasty articles about people. (Rita Skeeter is my favorite character.) I would also have polls, with questions like: 

How big is Voldemort's schlong? 

(Very small.) 

How many sticks does Dumbledore have shoved up his ass? (Only one. But it's large.) 

How long has it been since McGonagall has been laid by someone of the opposite gender? 

(Eight years and counting.) 

Where would you want to lick Snape? 

(On the nipple.) 

Would you rather see Hagrid buck-naked or eat fried basilisk? 

(I've heard that basilisk is very tasty if you prepare it right, sort of like fuju. The person sitting next to me says that she would rather see a buck-naked basilisk eating fried Hagrid, although it would be sort of cruel to the basilisk.) 

What does Lee Jordan smell like? 

(Like the Detroit Red Wings locker room. It's a very sexy smell.) 

Would you rather see J.K. Rowling get hired by MAD Magazine, or see MAD Magazine get hired by J.K. Rowling? 

(What, me worry?) 

On a related note: Is it crackers to slip a rozzer the dropsy in snide? 

(Yes.) 

Just what is the point of Quidditch, anyway? 

(To have a really cool flying scene in the movie, once it gets made.) 

Who's the bigger prick, Voldemort or his ex-wife? 

(His ex-wife.) 

Who _has_ the bigger prick, Voldemort or his ex-wife? 

(See above.) 

Was the Harry Potter parody in MAD or "Cracked" funnier? 

(MAD, by far. The one in "Cracked" was just stupid and sophomoric, not really a parody at all.) 

Who's going to win in the end? 

(Why should I tell you?) 

Why did Harry survive the death spell, anyway? 

(If you've ever read _The Iron Dragon's Daughter_, by Michael Swanwick, you may understand this. Harry and Voldemort have the same true name. Normally, two people with the same true name never meet each other; they move on different spirals. However, Harry and Voldie have had the bad fortune to encounter each other. They are moving on the same spiral. Your spiral of fate is attached to your true name, and people with the same true name usually end up with the same fates. Since Harry's and Voldie's spirals have combined, they are going to die at the exact same second.) 

Did J.K. Rowling rip off bits of the Iliad at the end of Book Four, with Cedric being Hektor? 

(She even admitted it.) 

Wasn't that sad? 

(The Iliad, yes. Not Book Four.) 

What if Harry's parents had lived? 

(They would be divorced by now. James would be teaching Defense Against The Dark Arts at Hogwarts, Lily would be living off of alimony payments and would be a weepy drunk, and Harry would drop out of school and join a gang. This is entirely true, by the way. Dumbledore told me so, and if you can't believe him, who can you believe?) 

Last question: Does Argus Filch have an Oscar/Artemis relationship with Mrs. Norris? 

(Dear God, I hope not.) 


End file.
